Self Portrait 5

I am what I remember.

I remember movements from classes, many classes: Cambodian classical Dance, ballet, jazz, Horton, Graham, Limon, African Dances…

I remember my teachers, even if I only took one class with them: Pornpimol Kanthatham, Matt Mattox, Thierry Boyer, Pepsi Bethel, Carol Freed, Julio Rivera, Christine Wright…

I remember performing pseudo Bollywood, French Cancan, Meg Stuart, Elisa Monte and more…I have recurrent dreams that I have to perform Audentity*, without rehearsals. I am either too fat and out of shape for the white unitard, or I don’t remember the choreography, or the stage is abnormally raked or small, or David, my partner, is missing… Anyway the curtain raises and I panic…

I remember the people I danced with, Retna Laksmiwati, Raquel Aedo, Vernon Scott, Misha… I miss them. I am happy to still be dancing with Keith Sabado.

I remember seeing performances of Carolyn Carlson, Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater, Bianca del Rey, William Forsythe, and more…

These memories are part of me.

Some people experience hearing musical loops in their heads. This is more likely to happen when there is a loss of hearing. The music they hear is music that they have heard before, and it is reproduced exact to the beat, as if the sound came from a real outside source.

I have had the experience of going through choreography loops in my mind, dancing the same 4 to 5 movements repetitively over and over again, keeping me awake at night. Maybe, when I will be too old to move, I will dance entire concerts in my mind.





Oliver Sacks, Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain, Knopf 2007

*Audentity is a dance by Elisa Monte, music by Klause Schulze (1987)


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